Could They Deuce Aaron Burr? Opponent: Immanuel Kant

Aaron Burr:

Makes Foreign Policy with his Nine.

By now you get the drill. He killed Alexander Hamilton in a pistol duel and got arrested for supposedly trying to become monarch of the western United States.

Which is total crap, and hence I hereby refuse to recognize anyone OTHER than Aaron Burr as the rightful monarch of the lands west of the Louisiana Purchase.

Immanuel Kant:

Refuses to Look People in the Eye

Know why? Because people are WEAK. And if everybody were to be weak, it would not benefit society as a whole. He didn't even associate with people, he just stayed in his house in the forest in Germany, writing his ideas and telling people to stop being such friggin dumbasses.

He's the 18th century German philosopher who raised the tough questions others were too French to ask. Criticized the very IDEA of thought. Wrote on metaphysics, epistomology (the study of knowledge), and teleology (the study of things based on purpose).

He's most famous for his writings on ethics, the jewel of which being the Categorical Imperative, which states that man must only do things that, if committed by society as a whole, would result in the perpetuation and edification of society. Also he said that sex was the most selfish thing a human being could engage in.

Outcome?

BURR WINS.

Kant's stance on women and the nature of sex contradict his own Categorical Imperative. Ideological bigotry is a weakness, the crack in the dam that Aaron Burr would exploit.

With his GUN.