Could They Deuce Aaron Burr? Opponent: Immanuel Kant

Aaron Burr:

Makes Foreign Policy with his Nine.

By now you get the drill. He killed Alexander Hamilton in a pistol duel and got arrested for supposedly trying to become monarch of the western United States.

Which is total crap, and hence I hereby refuse to recognize anyone OTHER than Aaron Burr as the rightful monarch of the lands west of the Louisiana Purchase.

Immanuel Kant:

Refuses to Look People in the Eye

Know why? Because people are WEAK. And if everybody were to be weak, it would not benefit society as a whole. He didn't even associate with people, he just stayed in his house in the forest in Germany, writing his ideas and telling people to stop being such friggin dumbasses.

He's the 18th century German philosopher who raised the tough questions others were too French to ask. Criticized the very IDEA of thought. Wrote on metaphysics, epistomology (the study of knowledge), and teleology (the study of things based on purpose).

He's most famous for his writings on ethics, the jewel of which being the Categorical Imperative, which states that man must only do things that, if committed by society as a whole, would result in the perpetuation and edification of society. Also he said that sex was the most selfish thing a human being could engage in.

Outcome?

BURR WINS.

Kant's stance on women and the nature of sex contradict his own Categorical Imperative. Ideological bigotry is a weakness, the crack in the dam that Aaron Burr would exploit.

With his GUN.

Could They Deuce Aaron Burr? Opponent: Vlad the Impaler

AARON BURR:

Pricks Worse than the Weed for
Which He is Named.

That's because when Aaron Burr pricks people, he uses a GUN. Look at a twenty dollar bill. He shot that guy.

Opponent: Vlad the Impaler

I could bore you with a lot of facts and figures and verifiable things that actually happened. And I will.

This is the guy Count Dracula was based off. In fact, his real name was Vlad Draculea, meaning "Son of the Dragon." But he wasn't one of the undead or even necessarily a Vampyre, per say, that was just a rumor people started about him when it got out that he like, made mothers drink the blood of their infants and stuff.

Which is exactly the kind of do-gooder muckraking that is killing America. Those people had it coming to them. They were Turks, Catholics, and Transylvanians! Clearly this tasteless smear campaign is the product of tree-hugging, bleeding-heart liberals. And why are their hearts bleeding? Because of Vlad the Impaler.

Claiming Vlad the Impaler was somehow supernatural just cheapens the achievements of a real, flesh-and-blood man. If you pricked him, would Vlad not cry? Supernatural intervention, affirmative action and other liberal institutions just piss me off.

Dracula strengthened the monarchy, centralizing the government and making it more efficient. He did this by slaughtering the Boyars and their families in his courtyard. Also, crime was minimal.

Vlad and his younger brother Radu more or less grew up in Turkish captivity as boys as part of a peace treaty between their father and the Ottoman Empire, who was pretty much the U.S.A. of the day (Turkish Sepahi light calvary = cruise missiles on horseback), so needless to say, he had a while to develop some bitterness towards the Turks.

Vlad was eventually released and assumed the throne. Vlad was PISSED. The Ottomans decided to invade, but Vlad said "Nah."

Vlad was outnumbered by perhaps as much as 10 to 1. The Turks invaded with a force loosely of 100,000 - 250,000, with the latest in artillery, cannoneers, and cavalry techniques. What they weren't counting on was Vlad releasing criminals into their camp every night to steal their shit. Vlad also personally dressed up like an Ottoman and snuck into the camp one night. Vlad stole their money and scared them across the Danube after impaling 20,000 of them.

It would take years for Vlad to be ousted by his suave, bisexual brother, Radu the Handsome, who was suave and bisexual.

Outcome? Aaron Burr can't shoot Vlad the Impaler if he's freaking IMPALED.

Vlad wins.

Could they deuce Aaron Burr? Opponent: Portugal.

Dear Internet,

I've been busy moving into a new house this past two weeks or so, so please forgive my absence. I know it was felt. This apology demands a more excessive noun. So please forgive my impertinence, regardless of the actual meaning that word may or may not hold.

I've decided that, as this is basically my tool to practice before I begin what will obviously be an illustrious career in teaching, I will surprise you all with a little treat.

It's a teaching tool I've invented to help my lucky potential future students remember places, people, and events that are awesome. I call it:

"The 'Could they Deuce Aaron Burr in a Pistol Duel?' teaching tool."

Now, to get us started, here are the stats on Aaron Burr, per that reputable champion of the American system, Wikipedia. (Dear class, please do your required reading for this lesson. Click the link to see what our textbook, Wikipedia, has to say on the matter.)

AARON BURR:
Drops Hamiltons Like a Drug Dealer in a Mid-Priced Retail Outlet.

Drug dealers have "reps," and so does Aaron Burr.

An American politician, Revolutionary War participant, and adventurer, he settled his beef with Alexander Hamilton like an American man should: By shooting him dead in a duel for honor.

Also, he was the third Vice President of the United States, under Thomas Jefferson. So I mean, it's not like the guy didn't know how to compromise, or was unwilling to take second place. He never capped Jefferson. But apparently Hamilton, with his saucily-worded writings and dinner-party slights, just pushed him over the edge.

Burr's reputation traveled with him after those godless tea-sippers up north all but exiled this great American hero to the south. Great patriot that he was, rumors of "...Burr's desire to secede from the United States and form his own monarchy in the western half of North America," led to Burr being arrested in 1807 on charges of treason.

Now that's nothing short of a liberal conspiracy. Clearly he was going to cap some Spaniards (more or less illegally) in Louisiana just like he did Hamilton.

Spaniards: beware. He's coming.

And as for Aaron Burr? Aaron, if you can hear me, I just want you to know. You might have been a pearl among swine in your lifetime, but

I HEREBY PERSONALLY RECOGNIZE AARON BURR AS THE SOLE MONARCH OF EVERYTHING WEST OF THE LOUISIANA PURCHASE.

(Not including Alaska and Hawaii. We never include those two.)

Until some other entity proves itself hypothetically worthy of said title by means of hypothetically defeating Aaron Burr in a duel and hence making itself the rightful ruler-in-theory of the Western United States, my allegiance remains with the ghost of Aaron Burr, which if I had to guess, is probably still pretty potent.

But what's this? Who's that I see, coming with guns blazing out of the Iberian Peninsula? Could it possibly be Spain, seeking to defend her honor? No, they're too busy still trying to organize a functioning centralized government. Or maybe Andorra, the small, obscure tax-haven for the world's super-wealthy nestled in the Pyrenees Mountains? No, they're all inside this time of year, developing secret strategies for the Knights Templar to make a comeback. Why, I think it's Portugal! In fact, I'm sure it is! Nothing else is even IN the Iberian Peninsula! Except Gibraltar.

But it's Portugal.

Contender: Portugal

Think of Portugal as a smaller, more cohesive Spain. Portugal is compact, nautical, and pissed off. Population 10,676,910.

Here's what you need to know. While all of Europe, the Middle East, and North Africa were at war during the Crusades in the Mediterranean and on its banks, Portugal took charge and, utilizing their skills as sailors and navigators, rounded the cape of Africa, and administered the strategic butt-punch by attacking the flabby end of Arabia and Malaysia. This is their only hope in a duel with Burr.

By the way, that's freaking Malaysia, in case you couldn't read it the first time. Let me draw a map for you.

Who wins this match?
Outcome? It's conditional. If the duel is held on water, then Portugal has a chance to get away unscathed by Aaron Burr's seething blood-lust.