Thursday, July 16, 2009

Could They Deuce Aaron Burr? Opponent: Vlad the Impaler

Pricks Worse than the Weed for
Which He is Named.

That's because when Aaron Burr pricks people, he uses a GUN. Look at a twenty dollar bill. He shot that guy.

Opponent: Vlad the Impaler

I could bore you with a lot of facts and figures and verifiable things that actually happened. And I will.

This is the guy Count Dracula was based off. In fact, his real name was Vlad Draculea, meaning "Son of the Dragon." But he wasn't one of the undead or even necessarily a Vampyre, per say, that was just a rumor people started about him when it got out that he like, made mothers drink the blood of their infants and stuff.

Which is exactly the kind of do-gooder muckraking that is killing America. Those people had it coming to them. They were Turks, Catholics, and Transylvanians! Clearly this tasteless smear campaign is the product of tree-hugging, bleeding-heart liberals. And why are their hearts bleeding? Because of Vlad the Impaler.

Claiming Vlad the Impaler was somehow supernatural just cheapens the achievements of a real, flesh-and-blood man. If you pricked him, would Vlad not cry? Supernatural intervention, affirmative action and other liberal institutions just piss me off.

Dracula strengthened the monarchy, centralizing the government and making it more efficient. He did this by slaughtering the Boyars and their families in his courtyard. Also, crime was minimal.

Vlad and his younger brother Radu more or less grew up in Turkish captivity as boys as part of a peace treaty between their father and the Ottoman Empire, who was pretty much the U.S.A. of the day (Turkish Sepahi light calvary = cruise missiles on horseback), so needless to say, he had a while to develop some bitterness towards the Turks.

Vlad was eventually released and assumed the throne. Vlad was PISSED. The Ottomans decided to invade, but Vlad said "Nah."

Vlad was outnumbered by perhaps as much as 10 to 1. The Turks invaded with a force loosely of 100,000 - 250,000, with the latest in artillery, cannoneers, and cavalry techniques. What they weren't counting on was Vlad releasing criminals into their camp every night to steal their shit. Vlad also personally dressed up like an Ottoman and snuck into the camp one night. Vlad stole their money and scared them across the Danube after impaling 20,000 of them.

It would take years for Vlad to be ousted by his suave, bisexual brother, Radu the Handsome, who was suave and bisexual.

Outcome? Aaron Burr can't shoot Vlad the Impaler if he's freaking IMPALED.

Vlad wins.

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